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Thursday, June 21, 2012

A Really Simple Story


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12:06 PM: I stared at my last samosa. I was not sure whether I should be delighted about the lip-smacking samosas I gobbled up in utter reverence or curse myself for bringing something I-just-cant-keep-my-hands-off irresistible during an intergalactic expedition. I should have known, I would not be able to keep my hands off the darned triangular-shaped yumminess long enough for them to last the entire journey. Agreed, the latest version of the Samosa theorem had conclusively proved that an average person can resist a samosa for a minimum 47.2 hours.But since when did I consider myself an "average" person when it comes to food? And here I am, ogling hungrily at the last one standing, if only for a few more minutes. 60 light years away from my destination. Lazily, I flicked open Google Space on my phone and typed "Places with more than 20% atmospheric oxygen nearby". The search showed up a planet named Z-223 at a distance of 0.4 light years. I turned the spaceship in the general direction and 45 min. later, I landed on the crimson brown surface of Z-223. Time to look for signs of water and food.
 
7:45 PM: I lay spreadeagled on my back with the blazing 45 degree sun incessantly beating down on my face. I had not found an ounce of water on the god-forsaken planet.There was nothing to do but to wait for the end. Time stretched into eternity. My whole life reeled flashed in front of my half-closed eyes - my school playground, Jurassic park at the theatre, mom and dad smiling at me, the naughty look on my wife's face and... the one last samosa which turned out spoilt. My consciousness was slowly fading away. There was nothing to be done. It was all going to be peaceful in the end. And then I hear it, feebly at a distance initially and then gradually increasing in volume. It was unmistakable now  " ....ishaq ke naame pe karte sabhi ab raas leela hain, main karu toh saala character dheela hain, ooo main karu toh saala character dheela hain". For a moment, I forgot everything else and laughed out as loud and huskily, as loud as my dying voice could muster. Is this song playing in my head? I wondered. Or... or is someone actually playing this song now? In 2084 A.D. and 240 light years away from Earth!!!? 

                                                                       
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7:45 PM:
Planet Name: Z-223
Meanwhile in the parallel universe...... where the Homo sapiens never heard of samosas(forget samosas not even  rice), where they still believed Sun and stars are the sovereign power,where their day to day calculations are based on nature's hypothesis, where they still used stone to kindle fire, the guy who went on intergalactic expedition in the other universe is just a forager here, who hunts for his survival, who wants to kill the mighty Tyrannosaurus rex and dreams of becoming the head of his nomadic group, is now on a mission to capture a giant toothed bird, Archeopteryx, which is the third stride towards fulfilling his dream and he knows that the entire human race's existence depends on the extinction of Tyrannosaurus rex.

 He has to capture Archeopteryx and prove his worthiness to fight against T.rex.Now sitting on the top of gigantic tree in the dark shade Camouflaged himself near the nest, waiting for the arrival of the blue-eyed beast,suddenly hears a sound of an unknown language which he cant interpret.."ishaq ke naame pe karte sabhi ab raas leela hain, main karu toh saala character dheela hain, ooo main karu toh saala character dheela hain".... There is some power which is trying to unite these two guys from two different universe,who is it ? what do they want ? why this song ? .

                                                                         
                                 3

6.30 PM , Friday Evening, PVR theatre.
Planet name : Obviously EARTH .

ME : Darling, I told you before only this movie sucks. Isn't the story too obvious to even the feeblest of minds.If this is what we call the futuristic art then god only save Karan Johar and his production house.After boldy coming out of the closet and marrying Chunkey pandey, he churns out this utter crap of a gay dude flick. Rott in hell man ... you <explicitive>

Moi DATE: But the baju wali aunty said ki this movie has lots of twists n turns and an unbelievable ending.

ME: Oh my dumb dodo, let me tell you what happens next.

 The guy with the love for samosas is lying spreadeagled crying for the spoilt samosa. In the next scene we have the first song of this movie with this guy dancing in a dream sequence with rain in it.
" Mere Khwabon mein jo aaye,
  aake Mujhe Chidd jaaye,
  usse kahon, samosa leke aaye".

Suddenly, sudd suddenly a bird swoops down from the sky of  planet z-223, and flicks that rotten samosa from the crying dude's hand and flies away. This dude gets into his spacecraft and buckles up and starts the engine and to his disbelief sees that the bird just moved 100 mtrs to his right and perches on a tree.
So he unbuckles, jumps out and runs after it.

Meanwhile another guy in a parallel universe sitting on a tree waiting for the bird is singing 
"Ho Koyal Koohke Hook Uthaye
 Yaadon Ki Bandook Chalaye
Baagon Mein Jhuloon Ke Mausam Wapas Aaye Re
Ghar Aaja Pardesi Tera Des Bulaye Re" 

 He sees a guy in a space suit running towards him< both the bird and the guy are on the same tree> shouting " that belongs to me, please come back ". Both their eyes meet and fall in love

Then we have the final song 

"Tujhe dekha to yeh jaana sanam
Pyaar hota hai deewana sanam
Ab yahan se kahan jaaye hum
Teri baahon mein mar jaaye hum"

Moi Date: Oh , yeh movie toh superhit hoga. And what about that other song " ishaq ke naame pe karte sabhi ab raas leela hain, main karu toh saala character dheela hain, ooo main karu toh saala character dheela hain"?.

Me: That song is played in the ending credits period with Karan and Chunkey Dancing to it.
Now lets go home.

Moi Date: Lekin Picture abhi baaki hai na.

Me: Ghar chalo na. main tujhe Dirty Picture Dhikaoonga :).

Place: My Home
Time : 8.30 PM

Moi Date: Nahinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn..... yeh kaise ho gaya.........


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Friday Evening, Fallen on the floor
Place : FLAT NUMBER 13B .
TIme : 8:31pm

"Ab main kisiko apna muh kaise dihkaungi....."

There goes our kaamna, the kaam waali bai again! ;)
Its been the 3rd time in the week, tat she has been caught sleeping on the couch  n mouthing half finished monologues from her dream. SIGH!
It all starts somewhere in between cleaning an empty house and staring widemouthed at our 57 inch Sony Bravia LED TV , and imagining herself as the protagonist of most :D.
And somewhere between all the drifting into another world, yeah a world full of ALIENS, DIRTY PICTURE , 10000 B.C and KABHI ALVIDA NA KEHNA, she dozes off on the couch.
Between all those remixes, she falls down with a loud THUD, yeah u heard me right THUD, loud one and goes into a temporary amnesiac mode :D
God! i wish i cud just plug into her dreams n capture the abnormality as she describes it when u push her a little :D.....tats how vivid n varied n weird her dreams are or so she makes up :D
            Meanwhile Nikhil walks in with a broad smile, my Brother Nikhil , NO he doesnt have AIDUS :D..., but yes our Kaamna surely has hots for him.:D...If tats any less than THE incurable disease :D.
Im sure most of her dream versions would have Nikhil as her special interest :D...

There!..Off she goes on a tangent again , sighting him hopefully, with Pyaaarge Aagbittaiythe....Namdhuke Pyarge AagButtaiythe....Khaana Peene Serthailla Namdhuke...Neend Geendh Barthailla Namdhuke....
 
Yeah right...especially the last line! :p...
 
but wait....WAAAAAT!!!!!!
Nikhil chimes in with "Dil Garden Garden Ho gaya...Bhanwra bhagiyan mein Kho gayaaa"...:D
NOW.. this is unusal!.
After trying to get her off his back for years, he is actually giving Kaamna positive signs and signals !!!! :D:D
 
I smell WICKEDNESS and something Fishy in the air :D....

WHAT can he want actually from Kaamna , i wonder :D...



                                                             
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Place : Nikhil's room
Time : Just after Kamna leaves

"Where are you?? I cant find even the coffee powder in the kitchen!", Nikhil yelled when I was shuffling things from his wardrobe for any hints on the scam!
Kamna was working in our house for only 15 days and I was clueless why Nikhil was showing interest in a Kaamwali Bai, So I had to crack this case.

After searching for almost ten mins(felt like a decade), i found Nikhil's Diary in his laundry bag.
I sat down to read it. Each and every page was a big shocker !

Nikhil was not just my brother! He was a Russian spy. There were lot of pics in the Diary, picture of a guy dressed in spacesuit eating samosas ,pics of a spacecraft,some gadget that looked like a time machine and places that looked like a totally different planet. The strange thing here was that guy in the pictures resembled Kamna a lot !
Was he her twin brother? Nikhil had not written anything about this guy or Kamna in the diary.
Why didnt he tell me that he is a spy!

On the last page, I saw a line, "This aint over yet, I have to revenge"!
This was ridiculous! I could not relate to anything that was written or the pics.

Suddenly I heard Nikhil's phone ringing.  "Ishq ke naam pe karte, Sabhi ab raas leela hain. Main karoon toh saala . Character dheela hai!"
I hid in the closet, confused with the findings and also wondering why Nikhil has such a stupid ring tone!

Who was this guy eating samosas? how was he related to kamna? When did Nikhil go to space?

Nikhil rushed to the room to answer the phone, he said, "I was waiting for your call. Your work will be done today. She is at home!"

My heart missed a bit and I was numb with fear!




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Place : Nikhil's room
Time : Just after Nikhil enters his room


I hear Nikhil pacing in the room.I have to think fast and do something. What is all this supposed to mean? Is this all some joke or is Nikhil really upto something? I hear footsteps coming towards the closet.Finally I decide to go out and directly question Nikhil about all this nonsense. After all , he is my brother with whom I have lived all these years.There should be some stupid simple explanation to all this. So I am about to open the door when the phone rings again and I hear Nikhil saying "Oh ! That's ok , we will plan it for some other day then. Anyway she is here all the time , now that she has vacations.. Ok no problem , I will go there now and see it to it myself , I will leave in few mins". I hear Nikhil going out of the room and I hear the the house door locked.

Now I am pretty sure that he was speaking about me.Am I just becoming paranoid for no reason? Who was that on the phone? I think I will just talk about this to Ajay (my bf) and see if he can make anything out of these photos and the diary. So I grab the photos and diary and rush out of the house.I am locking the door when Kaamna appears again.
"Where are you going didiiii" , I so hate the way she calls me didiiiiiii :P 
"Why should I tell you where I am going , why are you here now?" 
"Oh I just came to check if you can lend me 500 rs , you can cut it from my salary next month".I suddenly remember the photos and I feel I can get something out of kaamna now. 
"Kaamna , do you have a brother?" , I see her looking worried , scared and sad all at the same time. 
"Didii , don't ask me about him. Because of him I am in this state now. I don't want to talk about him".
"Does he look like you by any chance?" 
"Oh we are twins didi , so he does. But I have forgotten that I have a brother". Kaamna walks away before I could ask her anything more.She must really hate her brother , I must say ,and now I am really worried about Nikhil being in the company of such a person.
I am thinking about all this on the way to Ajay's house. I ring the doorbell and fortunately Ajay's there at home.
"Hi Poo , you couldn't wait to see me or what ;) rushing here early in the morning" .
"What's wrong dear?" , he asks since he didn't get any reply.
"Ajay, I think lot of funny things are happening at my place, I wanted to talk to you about them"
"Oh ya?Tell me , tell me . I am in good mood to laugh " and he laughs :P
I get angry " It's not funny stupid :P " . 
"Oh you just said it is " .
"If you don't wish to listen to me , let me know , I will just go from here"
"Ok , ok I am sorry dear , tell me what's bothering you?"
I am about to start telling him about all this when Ajay's phone rings. He speaks on the phone for few minutes and all I could hear him  saying is " yes yes , alright , ok , no " etc several times.
"Poo , I need to urgently go out for half an hour or so . You be here and I will come back ASAP"
Now I am angry since I am here all worried and wanting to talk to him and this guy is running away without even listening to me :P
"What's that urgent work?"
"I will tell you about it once I am back, no time to talk about it now" . He runs to his room gets ready in seconds and runs of the house.
I sit there wondering what's wrong with all these people.My brother and my boyfriend. I notice that in his hurry Ajay left behind his phone on the sofa. I pick it and run out of the the house to give it to him but he's already gone.
Let me check who called Ajay that he ran off so quickly . I read the log and its some person called Kay. Kay? Who's Kay? Ajay has never told me about Kay.. And the number seemed somewhat familiar. I take my phone and dial the number. And to my shock it's Kaamna's number! I just scroll down the call log and what do I see?  2 Call logs from Nikhil at the same time I was hiding in closet!
So Nikhil was actually talking to Ajay! And why did Kaamna call Ajay? They hardly knew each other.. OMG looks like my whole life is getting messed up in a single day , I can't feel easy until I know what all this means , but I don't know how to go about it right now ..